Have you ever read a line of a book, quote, song and thought, wow? Felt the emotion the author was expressing by simply stringing words together and creating something powerful? That is what reading and song lyrics are for me. They are an exhibition of a human’s exquisite talent. It is their raw, their vulnerability. They expose themselves in such an intimate way. My assumption is that their ultimate goal, is to touch someone. To have someone feel their pain and perhaps express their own. It is a process just like any other.
I fell asleep last night reciting some words in my mind. Powerful descriptors of a real character in someone’s life. It was a recollection. Something that I could viscerally feel, have experienced, in some ways, I felt less alone just at reading those words. Comfort comes to mind when I think of the power of music, of sentences in a book. They have a unique power to help us time travel into moments in our past that meant something or that signified something. A change, a process, an intimate moment. They don’t all have to be good or all bad. Some remind us of the grey that surrounds life. It reminds us to be soft. That what we may believe to be true is not exactly true for someone else.
Life is fleeting. Time is moving at paces at times that I can’t keep up with. Somehow still surprised at the timelines. Surprised that time moves so quickly despite wanting to be in a moment and not let it go. I have learned so much about me in these months. And yet, each day I set intention to learn even more. I feel like I spent so much of my life in denial of who I had the propensity to be that I don’t ever want to take my eye off the prize. I know there have been days even recently that I have defaulted to old operators and have had to go and repair. The key now is that I make the repair rather than waiting on someone to do the work for me. I am able to recognize that for months I have been emotionally unavailable. Staying in my own safety to not inflict onto others discomfort or pain or taking from others to feel better. A skill I did not possess. I make myself feel better now. I work through my feeling and sort out where it is coming from and I sooth. So much soothing has been needed to get this far.
My nervous system has been a wreck my whole life. I didn’t really know that until I began to peel back the layers of the onion but it was a wreck. A system built on unhealthy coping mechanisms. And it took a lot of turmoil, pain, and grief to sort out that healing. Healing is not something that happens for a moment. Nor is the healing journey. It is a commitment to yourself each and every day. I was of the mindset that for each good thing I did, I needed validation. I needed to be rewarded for that, immediate gratification. The reward does not come from that. It comes from being able to withstand the ugly parts of yourself. The inconsistent parts. The entitled parts. The parts that hurt the people I love.
I am not all bad. I won’t let anyone fool me into believing that again. I am however, self-aware enough to know that I’m a good person who has done hurtful things. To those that I have hurt with my unhealed parts, I am deeply sorry.
I became an avid reader the last few years. I love reading and learning. I patiently wait for my favorite author to put out new material. The words strewn on a page. Like the lines of a woman’s body. Words so eloquently strung together they leave me anticipating more. That is what makes an author excellent. Someone who leaves the reader wanting more. It creates desire. And who doesn’t want desire? I know I do. I miss passion and being desired. I self-create passion and desire within myself. And while that is a wonderful skill I didn’t have, I miss good old fashioned, raw, steamy, intimacy. If I am being honest, I have been carrying around a book for a couple weeks now and haven’t even opened it. I feel a bit unmotivated. I am tired. My joints hurt. I don’t feel the best lately. All the excuses I am making to not prioritize that I need to slow down and take care myself. Sometimes it’s hard to not default to old patterns. Sigh.
Until next time…..
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