This morning I woke up thinking about touch. Touch is such a comforting thing for me. The hand of a lover on your leg, the touch that comes from acts of intimacy. Holding the hand of my child and marveling at the fact that this tiny hand that now fits into mine was created within me. I woke up thinking that it has been 14 months since I have experienced the intimate touch of another human being. As I reflected on that thought this morning a wave of anger came over me. Not at the lack of physical intimacy. At the words that popped into my mind, narcissist, supply, and so many others used to describe me not so long ago. I couldn’t help but think to myself that for the first time in my life, I finally know what it is to seek comfort, safety, and security within myself. It took me a long time and a lot of loss to understand that, until I found that within me, I was always going to use others for what I wasn’t able to provide myself.
I have felt unsure of myself for such a long time physically. Not in my appearance but in the standard, I set for myself in what kind of lover I want to be and what kind of lover I want in return. For most of my sexually active life, I didn’t really know or understand my body. I didn’t know what it was capable of doing. I used sex to feel something in a moment and then once that release was achieved it was over. No intimacy, nor exploration, no vulnerability. If I am being honest, I didn’t necessarily seek people out that wanted that in return but when I consider my long-term partnerships, I imagine they wanted that and either couldn’t communicate their need or did and I didn’t listen. Either scenario could be true.
I want to understand myself not only from a trauma focused or behavior stand point but from all areas that make me who I am. When we think about sexuality, it is a large part of relationships. Intimacy is not only created through communication or spending time but from exposing ourselves to our partners in our most vulnerable state, nakedness. I had always been self-conscious in that space. If the people I was with could see the imperfections in the light, wouldn’t it ruin their perception of me in the dark? Honestly, I am not sure. I do know however, that, that fear would prevent me from truly being vulnerable. I think I have learned to feel more comfortable in my own skin, I don’t quite often look at myself and think there is something about me that isn’t sexy. Sexy is within us. Others of course can look at us and offer opinions and thoughts but sexy is a state of mind. I feel sexy but what I have realized is that I want to learn more about my body and how it works and what drives my desire and my passion.
I learned what my body can do and I am scared that without the right mindset, the right experience, I would default to old patterns. It’s less scary, less vulnerable. I was not yet able to express my need in that arena. I was reliant on another to be able to sort that out for me. To understand my responses, to figure it out for me. Unfair, yes. What I seek now is the confidence to express myself. To share with someone what I like and don’t like. To find a flow, a dance that works. To be open and receptive to another person’s wants and desires. To understand that we all have things that make acts of sex, intimate acts, scary or uncomfortable. And that supporting our partners, being understanding, rather than internalizing it is how to drive passion and broaden desire within a relationship. When we internalize or feel not good enough, we shut the whole thing down. Leaving no opportunity to grow together.
I shut a lot of things down. I tethered myself to the idea of comfort over passion. I tethered myself to fear and safety over desire and growth. I didn’t understand then what I do now and as I work to explore myself and learn more about who I am as a woman. As a sexual being. It is like starting all over again. Learning a new skill. I have been talking to my therapist for some time now about what keeps me from taking that next step. It’s fear that it won’t be what I need and therefore why bother to put myself out in that way. I haven’t asked the question what if its better? It feels like sacrilege. So, what I’ve done is preserved what I know. Frozen it in time.
I started reading again this weekend. Not much if I am being honest, but I picked up a book about human sexuality, Come as You Are. The title in and of itself tells me everything I need to know about what my role is. I am to come as I am to any situation that feels good to me. That feels worth my participation. I learned that sharing my energy with so many strangers in my life was a violation of me. Was unloving to myself and let’s be honest, unsafe. It was reflective of how I felt about myself. Today, as I sit here with this free hour that happened to manifest, I am a more whole, healed, version of myself. I still have so much work to do, and I hope that whatever my future holds for partnership, that they would know that I am forever committed to continuing to work on myself. That while I may stumble and fall, that I am assessing and reassessing myself every day and making changes, sustainable changes. And that while perfection is an achievement I will never reach (thankfully). I will listen, hold space, and create an environment that is both safe and secure. There will be room for us both to explore our trauma, our wants, desires, and that while we are responsible for holding ourselves accountable, we can journey together, safely.
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