I feel like shit. Physically and mentally. But mostly physically. It’s the second time in what feels like only a couple weeks that I don’t feel well again. This season has brought about a lot of colds. They say there is a connection between mind and body and clearly, I am experiencing a disconnect. I remain stubborn in the land of illness; I want to take the less is more approach in terms of medicine and yet aches and pains are asking for something to ease the discomfort.
You never really do know the true impact something is going to have on you in the long-term. I suppose that could be the theme of this, you never really know the impact something or someone is going to have on you until they are no longer in your life. We take so much for granted when we have the people that we don’t really imagine what it would be like if one day they or you decided that it be better to part ways rather than hold onto something that isn’t working or better yet isn’t good for you.
Today I am wondering is there such a thing as a clean slate and I don’t mean one where things are forgiven and forgotten but a world where things are forgiven if and only if the person has done the work. I honestly, I am not sure. The last year has been hard for me in the land of trust. I have spent a great deal of this year not trusting anything or anyone. Questioning what really was versus what was fantasy. I think I have been able to sort things out so far but it is an ever-evolving process. This time of the year brings up a lot of grief and sadness. I had vowed that I wouldn’t let myself fall into the trap and then realized, hey you, stop controlling the very reason you are where you are today, feeling and process, feeling and process that has been how I have survived this past year. Clean slates are not possible, you can’t unknow what you know but what I am learning is that people do have the capacity to change, to be consistent, and to be a safe haven for someone else if they choose it and are continuously intentional about how they choose to view their healing. I chose to view my healing as important to me as oxygen. I would not stop breathing just because I took some good breaths. If I don’t breathe consistently, then well you know what will happen. It is the same with my healing journey. It is as important as breathing if not more.
Sitting from where I sit right now, I see myself clearly, or as clearly as this leg of the journey has taken me. For so much of my life I was a walking, talking, coping mechanism. I coped by the utilization of manipulation and blame because that was easier than holding myself accountable. I coped by numbing. I numbed for so long that the first time I felt what it was like to be truly vulnerable, I had no idea what to do with it. It was overwhelming. The vulnerability was emotional, sexual, it was an awakening. It was primal, a part of me I didn’t really know existed.
I quickly began defaulting and that choice ended up being catastrophic. It was life altering, at times it felt life-threatening. It is what led to the beginning of being alone. With that said though, I have sat in the land of accepting my solitude and being comfortable being alone and I do feel very comfortable there. I enjoy myself and my company and I no longer need someone else to help me regulate. Lately though, I have wondered if comfort is just a nicer word for complacency. Complacency feels more accurate to me but I am trying to be gentle with myself.
I have challenged myself to no longer be the person who says, I am fine when I am not. I have chosen to be in my integrity even if it makes people feel uncomfortable. While there are aspects of my life that bring me fulfillment there are still parts that are missing. There’s a void that I can’t just go and fill. And here’s the kicker, you can’t just erase someone or pretend they don’t exist, any more than you can avoid your feelings. They always find a way to surface, even when you least expect it, they remind you they are there. There have been so many days where I wanted to run away from how I was feeling, to try and pretend that everything was ok and I would softly remind myself, you have worked too hard to turn away from yourself again. And I would face myself and I would work through it again and again until the noise was silenced. The silence is where I did my best work, it is where I am the most loving, it is where I learned to see myself and the changes I needed to make.
My brain is tired. I am tired.
You can’t forget certain things and no matter how much we try I am not sure that is ever truly possible. You learn to live, adapt, move on, however you want to describe it but there are just some things that are embedded in our minds forever. I remember every moment. Good, bad, and everything in between. Movie reels in my mind. What has helped me soften with those memories, to not have them be so triggering is the boundaries I have developed. The self, I have learned to value. I am no longer rigid. I am no longer black and white. Boundaries are not meant to be rigid. They are meant to be loving to myself and others.
Life is short. I could spend my whole life being rigid and inflexible. Not believing in redemption and change. I could have spent the whole rest of my life accepting who I was instead of being willing to see myself as I was and making the changes necessary to heal the broken parts within me. I chose to heal and that healing has opened my heart to possibilities. The fruit of my labor is hope. Evelyn and Celia gave me hope. It was not a fairytale, it was hard as hell and if one only looked at the story simply at face value it was a nightmare for the people involved but when you got into each story and removed fame and fortune there was love, purpose, kindness, intention, friendship, redemption, and a tremendous sense of loyalty. There were firm boundaries and not so firm boundaries and above all else there was forgiveness, so love prevailed. I still have so much to learn. I look forward to the continued journey.
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