I’ve never been so exhausted. I am feeling under the weather physically and emotionally and I am struggling to pull myself out of it. I am tasked with so much on any given day that I don’t have the energy to deal with myself and all that has done is highlight that I really need to make a change regarding my life. I’m a workaholic and while that is helping me numb out the grief it isn’t serving my mental health any good.
Attending to my mental health is something that I was initially forced into when I was a freshman in college. I had been struggling with my sexuality, drugs, alcohol, and my parents threatened to stop paying for my schooling unless I saw a therapist. My mother in all her controlling glory, called the university counseling center and I was scheduled for an appointment. My first therapist was a woman by the name of Sister Anne. She was kind and compassionate and she was the first person that I ever spoke to regarding my addictions and my sexuality. Anything could have happened on that first meeting. I could have felt unseen, judged, anything resembling a catholic belief system, but I didn’t. I kept coming back until I no longer needed the support.
I have always valued therapy for my personal growth. I have sought out therapy as a means of recalibrating with myself. Some years are better than others but each time I go back into therapy I learn more and more about myself. I suppose that is why I became a therapist to provide others the opportunity to recalibrate with themselves when they would otherwise feel hopeless and alone.
I realized recently that the work that I did back then was so superficial compared to what I am asking of myself presently. I am facing down the ugliest parts of my life and myself and it is scary and intimidating and yet I feel so much hope for a future where I see the value that I bring to those around me. However hopeful I feel, I am in a deep state of grief and that is consuming me in ways that are not allowing me to move forward. I am stuck and the more stuck that I get the angrier that I get. Anger doesn’t help me make forward motion and I am fully aware of that, but it is my truth, and I am only willing to live in reality.
I am not asking for anyone’s pity. In fact, I am going a lot of this journey alone. Some would argue that is my own fault, others would say it’s how it needs to be. I feel alone a lot, but I am finding peace in that. I am finding that I can be still enough to identify what is and what isn’t good for me. I used to believe that love conquers all, but it doesn’t and that has been a hard pill to swallow. Love is just a feeling that people express to others. Outside of that, it is a business transaction. One that I am no longer interested in navigating.
Love is not supposed to feel like a transaction. It is supposed to be natural, and fluid and it is supposed to feel good. Two people coming together because they genuinely enjoy each other’s company. They enjoy being together. They are friends, companions. The moment that, that isn’t enough, that you are questioning the other persons intentions, motivations, it is time to re-evaluate the health of the relationship and seek help or move on. There is no hope when the other person can’t see who the other is. When they find it hard to believe that their partner is a good person dealing with something tremendously difficult for them.
People behave out of character all the time for a variety of reasons. In fact, it is one of the primary reasons someone seeks out therapy. I know it has been one of my primary reasons. When we think of symptoms and diagnoses, it is essentially that. Someone acting out of character for a specific period of time without feeling relief. Is it that impossible to accept that someone can be a fundamentally good person, struggle to make life changes, not be the best version of themselves, and still be a good person? As a human and a therapist, the answer is, absolutely.
I see the best and worst of people daily. I hear their pain and their sadness. I also hear about their happy and the things that motivate them. What I have found to be consistent is that people who are seeking counseling services are looking to feel better. They are looking for relief from their pain. No one, unless court mandated, goes to therapy unless they want and need support. I commend those people who identify they need healing and who take the steps to get it.
My recent therapy journey has been one of the most difficult journeys I have taken outside of infertility treatment. I have been faced with my trauma, my relationships, my child rearing, my life choices, all of it. I have done EMDR, I have learned to settle my anger, to take accountability for myself. It has been an emotional rollercoaster and there have been times when I wanted to quit. When I wanted to get out because I felt it wasn’t helping. What I realized after going three weeks without it, I am nowhere near being in a place where therapy isn’t an option for me and that it is helping me, even when it feels like it isn’t. The issues I am dealing with are my own resistance, my fears, the narrative of being left by all the important people in my life.
I want to be loved where I am. Not because when I get what I want, the work will stop because I know that I am guilty of that. I am guilty of stopping doing the necessary work because I get comfortable in that moment because it feels good. I want to be loved where I am because that is what relationships are all about. Loving the person you are with and acknowledging that they may struggle. They may have moments where you absolutely want to strangle them, think they are the biggest assholes in the world, that they have zero accountability, treat you like crap when you only deserve kindness, there are so many changes in life that will come in and out of a situation between two people who love each other and it is what you do in those moments that will determine the longevity of that union.
I didn’t realize for so long that having healthy boundaries is essential to having a healthy relationship. I have struggled with this for most of my life as I have shared but I am looking to do better for myself as I move forward. I don’t ever want someone I am with to accept my anger as the norm, to accept my tendencies to control as the foundation of our relationship. What I do ask is that the person who is choosing to be on the journey of life with me to stay with me. If I am doing the work, if I am seeking help because I have acknowledged that I have a lot to work on. That I am holding myself accountable by going to therapy and working through my trauma. That I am not sitting idly by, that they stay with me.
I really thought that love could solve all the problems of the “world” and as I have learned this last year and a half, love is only part of it. Love is the motivator, but the rest is about how the person makes you feel when you are with them.
We can sit and argue about love being only part of the foundation a relationship needs, that a relationship needs friendship before it can thrive. I have had the opportunity to experience all sides of this and what I have realized is that when two people come together whether in friendship or relationship, they must turn towards one another in conflict. That is when it matters the most. When you turn towards each other you have the potential to heal. When you turn away from the other, that is when the relationship breakdown begins.
I am responsible for creating safety for myself, for being secure in myself and then and only then will I have the stability to be secure with another human being. If you want to measure who I am by the work that I am doing to heal myself, to lean towards the healthier parts of myself versus the negative coping mechanisms doesn’t that mean I am doing what is needed? I guess that jury is still out on that. For now, I am going to focus less on fixing what’s “broken” about me and focus on creating healthy change in my life and surrounding myself around the people who want me there because they know that I am working hard to move the fuck forward. I hate being stuck but I sure as hell hate giving up more. Be my friend, be there for me, and stay with me in the moment and maybe you will be presently surprised. Until then….
Comments